you are not alone
9 months ago
as an artist it’s normal to feel down about your work, it’s normal to self-criticise to the point you want to give up, it’s normal to hate yourself for not delivering, it’s normal to compare yourself to others. but the hardest part is getting over those hurdles. it’s hard to run and jump when you feel your feet are tied too tightly to move. but you have to loosen those imaginary ropes and take those giant running leaps. you have to keep wriggling and moving otherwise you will only have yourself to blame for not trying.
what no one ever told me is that it’s normal. it’s okay if you cry and feel unnoticed. it’s not strange and no one will point and laugh at you. it’s okay to admit you’re feeling defeated and want to hide under your duvet. no one admits to it, thinking it’ll show their weakness, but it’s strong to share your story, your woes and your journey.
i feel my client work has been the strongest it has ever been. but my personal portfolio work has been less than pathetic. and it troubles me that i can’t get the balance right. i meet a client, i get out the camera and because i am expected to deliver top-notch quality images i feel i am more efficient. my personal work however has been wavering and pulling me down. my personal work is all i ever publish so therefore i feel the eyes of the world will be scrutinising every last pixel of that photo. and it frightens me rigid to the point i put new portfolio series out there and come away thinking, “why did i put those up? they look terrible.” and i bash myself up about it mentally. i find myself in these ditches that i can’t climb out of. lack of comments and positive responses make me feel worse and i find myself refreshing my analytics every second thinking, “why aren’t people looking at this?” and then i want to say something, but think it’d look ungrateful for the people who did take their valuable time to write to me and encourage me about them. so i silence myself in fear i’ll look like a moaning minnie when i really do appreciate what i do have instead of what i always wish to have.
it can be particularly tricky as a professional writing something so personal. you think future clients could read it and think, “oh, they’re obviously crazy and saying they’re no good, i won’t book them.” but it has nothing to do with being crazy and saying you’re rubbish. it’s about your self-growth as a creative in an incredibly fast-paced and competitive business. i know i’d prefer to work with someone who admitted to feeling belittled by the competition rather than someone who bragged about being at the top. sure, don’t spill your life story out to your customers; that’d be too familiar. but it’s healthy to put your feelings out there and not fear if customers read it. if they’re going to judge you for your feelings then they weren’t worth booking or working with.
it’s normal as an artist to feel dry-minded and out of ideas. or maybe you can’t translate your thoughts into the exact images you want. and it can be enough for you to want to scream “why?” it’s not fun, but it’s normal. and i just wanted to tell anyone who feels this way that it’s normal too. it’s healthy to feel that negativity. the phases don’t last forever and you’ll feel the magic pulse back through your veins. it’s okay, it’s not stupid or weak to admit. we all want the recognition we work everyday to achieve. when you put your life into something and don’t necessarily receive back the results you’d hoped for; it can be heart-wrenching. but you work harder and harder for it so when you get there you can look back and think, “i worked my socks off to get here.” and you can feel proud for your journey. afterall, if everything was handed to us straight off the bat - we’d never understand the feeling of self-respect. keep going, you are not alone.
